After dinner at Jerry's last night, we drove back and tried to put K to bed early as she did not nap at all during the day when Esther came by and they played. I had put a clean cover on the mattress that we have kept from her playpen and laid it on floor, beside the bed, the side where I'll be sleeping.

After her wash-down and milk, I had her choose a book that she'll like me to read while I went off in search of a bag of my belts, for one which comes with the dress I had intended to wear to work today. It's been 2 months of wearing almost the same thing to work everyday and you have no idea how much I miss the rest of my clothes, shoes and accessories. Anyway, it was such a frustrating search and K started getting restless, opening and touching my eye-shadow and then fiddling with my alarm clock that blew it. The hubs who was already in dreamland was oblivious to my frustration. I scolded K and hit her hands when she was turning my clock and then she cried. 

I got mad and told her no books for her and to sleep now. When she continued crying, I switched the lights off. And her crying grew louder. The hubs woke and as usual, more talk came out than action. He tried to pacify K but became fed up when she cried louder. All these while, she was looking at me. How not to have your heart pierced like that? 

I read her the book she chose, hugged her and when it was time to turn in, told her that she will sleep on the mattress. She lied down and started sobbing. While we have been telling her that she will have to sleep in her room soon, she had been saying she wants to sleep with us but it escaped me that even sleeping on her own will have such an impact on her. I lied down beside her, hugged and patted her until she fell asleep before I went onto the bed. I felt so bad! The hubs said he had wanted to let K sleep on our bed first before carrying her down on to the mattress. 

While I was on my own bed and relishing the fact that we no longer have to squeeze, I wondered if I did the right thing. I guess, eventually, she'll have to sleep on her own, whether in the same room with us or not. The hubs says he misses not having her squeeze our hands in the middle of the night and I'm so used to her moving around in her sleep that I no longer feel the weight when she so often plops her head on my tummy and starts sleeping like that. Parenting life is full of contradictions. I pray that K will understand the reason for the things that we have to do.